Ruskie (Feb 02 - Jul 10)

My dear cat, Ruskie, checked out of this world last night in Singapore, alone, at the vet's. His health, which hasn't been great since a few years ago, suddenly took a turn for the worse in the last week. At the vet's, he was already not eating and drinking, and having difficulties sitting down, plus really low blood count. My friend who has been caring of him had kept me posted with his progress messaged me with the news of his passing this afternoon. She had planned to visit him today and i was to call her when she was at the vet's so that i could at least say my goodbyes, in case of the event that we may have to put him to sleep to end his suffering. The vet was contemplating giving him a blood transfusion as a last resort. I guess, his body just got too weary and he left before i or my friend could say our goodbyes.

Over the phone, my friend was also getting all choked up as she recounted his last days to me. She said he didn't suffer alot and had made friends in the last year that he was with her and her hubby, with their cats. Though he had never allowed anyone else to touch him except me, throughout his life, in the last week, he finally allowed my friend and her husband to stroke him and bathe him. When he was brought to the vet, the vet said that he was fighting for his life and i believed that he did.. he has been and always will be that tough and gruff cat that i've watched grown up as a kitten when i found him, not more than 2-3wks old.

Leaving him behind was one of the toughest thing i had to do last year. In my heart, i always felt guilty and sorry despite knowing that he was being cared for by the best couple in the world, who willingly took him in despite knowing about this poor health and 'autistic' temprement. I knew he would have a loving home, and peaceful place to be to live out his remaining days but my guilt about my decision to not take him with me stayed. I know rationally that taking him with us to Melbourne wasn't the best thing to do. His vet and i had discussed this a few times before we moved and at the end of the day, his health would not cope with the stress of the move and quarantine required. But sometimes i wondered if i ought to have tried anyway. I wondered if in his heart, he felt abandoned by the only person he trusted enough to carry and touch him. And that i have betrayed his trust after all these years.

So many things happened in the last half of year before we moved.. including arrival of the baby.. preparation of our move.. and moving him over to my friend's. I must have seemed so far away from him even before we left. But, as my friend consoled me.. he still only allowed me to touch and cut his nails when i visited early this year despite all that, so he must have still remembered and love me. That made me felt worse... feeling that Ruskie, in all his simplicity, just simply believe and love me... despite my abandonment of him. Despite all the love i said i have for him... i HAD let other things taken priority over him and now, i can only say sorry about that. I should have been a better owner... a better carer.. at least one who can see him through his days.

I will have to live with that regret in my life and though it does not assuage me from feeling guilty, i am still tremendously grateful that he had a peaceful life, was with loving friends at the end and did not suffer long.

Rest in peace Ruskie. I hoped that you are all well now, as you were before you fell sick and became moody... and back to doing all the things you used to love... like chasing after your esso tiger, sleeping on a sunny window ledge, meowing at birds and cuddling next to a warm body. I hoped that you are back to being as rascally as when you were of good health and plotting all your sneak attacks for people who thought were infringing on your territory. I hoped that you will still wake up to meow for your breakfast and have a nice cool sink to sleep in on a warm day. I hoped that there will always be a warm duvet for you to hide under when you fall asleep at night, or a warm neck for you to burrow next to. I hoped that you will think of me now and then as you lay snoozing in your favourite belly-up position. I wish you peace and comfort and all the things which you had but were taken away from you...

Forgive me... but remember that mommy had always loved you and always will, even if she didn't show it in the last year.

Sorry... be good you silly cat... Sleep well.

(Feb 02 - Jul 10)